Life & Sex Vol. I: The Freshman Year

Contents

I. On Self-Love

II. On Motivation

III. On Relationships

IV. On Fear

V. On Writing

VI. On Parents

VII. Inner Dragon

VIII. Flight Pattern

IX. Dark Side of Things

X. The Love Narrative

XI. On Respect

XII. Her

XIII. Her [reprise]

XIV. On Dreams

XV. Insecurity

XVI. Other Side of the Lights

XVII. Morning After

XVIII. To the Bad Days

XIX. Imagine Me

XX. You

XXI. You [reprise]

XXII. Back through the Dark

XXIII. In the Moonlight

XXIV. Faithful

XXV. Oppression

XXVI. Oppression [reprise]

XXVII. In the Moonlight [again]

XXVIII. The Future We Live For

XXIX. Sleeping on the Train

XXX. Sex Talk

I. On Self-Love

If it’s Love we seek,

It’s probably at the end of when we die

For that is where we try to rid ourselves of pain

Only to find that right before our tipping point

Through the tears is when we really come alive 

And love is right there the whole time 

Waiting in line for us to clear past the garbage we hold on to. 

II. On Motivation

Let’s find dreams

Where we don’t have to lay

Awake sleepless

Drawing them on ceilings. 

Let’s find dreams, together

Where we can be empowered

To step our foot forward

And it’ll be okay, even when it isn’t 

It’ll be the growing pains we take from

To find our dreams where we grew them. 

III. On Relationships

Find love unexpectedly. 

I’m sure

When I found her,

I found me. 

I dreamt a nightmare

The other day,

I think what it was telling me,

Was finally, my anger and anxiety

Is dying, and her love saved me. 

IV. On Fear

Being afraid

Is less about fearing 

Taking the first step. 

It’s more about being

Afraid of taking the first step

With doubt creeping in

And it leads to nowhere. 

Though that’s just our active

Imagination. It’s easier said than done. 

Though the illusion unravels like calm waters

When we step our foot in it anyways. 

V. On Writing

If I don’t write it,

Then my only friend I’m talking with

Is my demon, my shadow, my other half,

Whatever you call it. 

My head is like a cup,

For every second my eyes are awake

It is like a spout pouring and overfilling

My mind. 

I can drink from my own cup, but

Only so much then it becomes lies.

So if I don’t write it,

I wouldn’t be able to make a friend in you.

VI. On Parents

In our time

I’m thinking of my parents. 

My dad works so long and hard

I hope he does not grow reluctant 

Beginning to believe his kids have forgotten. 

We’re just trying to work just as hard

If not smarter

So we can give back to him everything 

He has earned…

But deep down all he really wants

Is his time with us. 

VII. Inner Dragon

To the fire-breathing dragon

Spitting flames, hot coals

Mold over harsh words

When not in control. 

The sun can be shining

Through serendipitous clouds

Light as a pound of cotton

And when hunger strikes 

A slip of the tongue can produce

Humidity that can cause the calm

Water to ripple waves toppling

Over soft sand 

Turning even the hardest rock

To rain. 

VIII. Flight Pattern

Before the landing pad

We wish well wishes 

The way misfortunes 

Looks on beyond 

The threshold

Between our faith and our lost.

We embrace and piece together

A string of hope, as thin

As the space between our fingers. 

Through the clouds and over the sunset

I’ll look for you, once again,

On the next horizon. 

IX. Dark Side of Things

I watch films, read stories

Of a comeback story.

The once heralded plague

Brings back to light

A hero who once stood tall

For something, for one thing.

With nothing else to lose,

They sacrifice to give, and in lost

They get in return, forgiveness.

X. The Love Narrative

She stood by my side

For she understood 

A side of me that I chose 

To neglect out of fear

Or anxiety, I feint 

Or have shortness of breath

I can’t stand to see myself

When doubt begins to devour me. 

But she sews up my scars, tenderly

And stand beside what I see

As a broken shell of me

With her hand in mine

She fills me up with hope. 

XI. On Respect

No matter the circumstance

There is a dividing line

Between words spoken,

Actions taken, and

It’s a lot greyer than we see. 

Though the way the sun and the moon

Meets at the horizon,

We thrive together the most 

When we let one another shine. 

Through the light the sun is king. 

Romance in the cool blue reigns the moon. 

And they live in harmony,

Because they know one would not exist 

Without the other. 

XII. Her

With love in her eyes

When she looks right 

  Through me

I am fortunate to have 

Even just one love

  From her, this is all

    I can ever ask for

When my scars begin

To bleed, again, 

From the convection of pain

That the world brings

  With my eyes close

She makes sure to hold on to me

  And help me open my eyes, again. 

XIII. Her [reprise]

They say

“When you have someone

  Good,

    Make sure you hold on to them.”

For change is inevitable 

  And life comes at us fast 

I only hope that through 

  Our trials and tribulations 

You understand, the way I feel

  Is less about words—though I try 

    To tell you everyday,

That you keep me grounded

  While soaring high, at the same time. 

You are unforgettable, and personally 

  One of a kind to me. 

I hope you know that. 

XIV. On Dreams

It came to me in a dream

  Peaceful

The nostalgic wonder

  Like waking up to the smell

Of sweet maple bacon

Frying in the kitchen. 

I wake up and it’s still cold outside 

  And I long for a time 

When I craved for a glimpse 

  Of how bright it used to be. 

XV. Insecurity

I think I get it

  with all the media and the images

Your self image is blurred

  like the way you see yourself in the mirror

    through teary eyes.

I get it

  I’m not so happy with myself 

Too

    for I try to be strong, for us

      when I know deep down

I am just as broken 

  just as shattered

    as the cracked mirror

  we can no longer look at. 

XVI. Other Side of the Lights

I may not have it all figured out

  that scares me, but

What I fear the most

  is that I let it eat me up alive

    like a deer in the headlights

My legs become stone

  and I can’t move, and

    let the 18-wheeler

      run me down.

XVII. Morning After

I thank the morning sun

  This morning 

For when the light 

  Splashed and spilled a little

    Over the horizon

  The way waves of an ocean

    Skips over the concrete wall

I’m encouraged and at peace

  That amidst the chaos 

    And even for that few precious moments

I feel at peace. 

XVIII. To the Bad Days

A toast to the bad days

  That I hate,

A strong word, yes

But at the end of our clocking out

Those days have taught me

To keep moving and work harder

  To find a way out and in to

    Something new, or more so,

  Towards my passions. 

To the bad days, where it makes me

  Realize

I don’t have to do what I gotta do now,

  For I can always make good change happen. 

XIX. Imagine Me

Imagine this,

A cold and bothered

Broken hearted

The son of a mother

Whose ambitions never

  Faltered. 

For every lackadaisical 

Step that I take, I feel

That I have wasted a bit of her soul

So I do what I can to make myself

Successful. 

XX. You

Don’t forget to tell me you’re here. 

I know I see you. 

But when it’s dark out

I choose to let the darkness

Overtake me

And I lose sight 

Of the light 

You have always brought in

To my life. 

XXI. You [reprise]

Waking up beside you,

To open my eyes

As the first sign of light

Shines through 

In between the covers. 

I long to have time stand still

So that I can show you 

How much I appreciate you

Instead,

Of making it seem

Like we are just there

You by my side

While my headspace is lost

Elsewhere.

XXII. Back through the Dark

I’m beginning to lose focus

The way my eyes begin to blur

Or the way a dirty windshield 

Gets muddier when it rains

I’m a little lost at the moment.  

The pit in my stomach aches

And there’s a burn, a fire starting

The way bourbon straight shoots

Down my throat with flames

I’m back at the beginning of it all.

XXIII. In the Moonlight

The sun does rise from the east

So does how all good things 

Follow through, eventually

Like the way the sun sets

Peacefully on the west side. 

I remember sitting down

Watching the horizon glow

Wondering if I’ll ever make it. 

Many steps forward later

I’m sitting here proud of how I’ve made it. 

XXIV. Faithful

I couldn’t imagine another life

Like a dream the way 

I wake up beside you

No matter how physical, and how real

Your touch is to me. 

It’s dreams like this I’m thankful

To be in the right frame of mind

With being okay that I can’t have it all

For we won’t ever have it all

But us and what we deserve, together. 

XXV. Oppression

We are not who we claim to be

Being free is not a claim but a wish

That we can be free.

Our minds set bars high

That we attempt to break from.

Our synapses become hardwired 

To dream freely and send messages

To the heart of the matter

Over and under until it triggers the right feedback

Or we just end up back where we were locked in.

XXVI. Oppression [reprise]

Who’s holding us down?

Is it you, is it me, the world around?

Trying to chase after this wealth

Can I breathe? Or should I pay

In my health and in time

This currency becomes my bones

I own all that I have 

For I cannot produce anymore

But for the oppressor

My mind, body, and spirit is all I have left.

XXVII. In the Moonlight [again]

To the cold nights 

When the moon dips low

Enough to fit in harmony

In the cusp of a powdery cloud

I raise a crystal glass filled with whiskey

I let the aroma climb up to me

Let the smoke bomb erupt

With the spirits trying to sing to me

Relaying back the good old days

As I toast to light from the moon. 

XXVIII. The Future We Live For

Let’s live for the day

When every way forward

Is a lesson learned, or 

A supplement to a future

Where our world view is optimistic. 

Not because we become delusional 

But for the fact we stood up for and

Walked the unbeaten path

While growing the callouses

That make us strong, and more immune to the negative. 

XXIX. Sleeping on the Train

Music softly rocking

Either in the distance or whispering

Into my ear, gently, almost caressing

Though definitely dancing around me

As I begin to snug in to my seat and

Fall asleep. 

The bells chime while the ride halts

I know I have a few seconds more

To contemplate or make my haste exit

As I open my eyes like the sun rise over the horizon. 

XXX. Sex Talk

The taboo of your lips

As the words drip 

From the tip of your tongue 

Whispering sweet like nectar

In to my ear. 

A caress of your finger

Crawls up my chest and 

Lay your hand wrapped around

My chest as I press harder

While we hold on tighter to one another. 

END OF BOOK I.